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Surrendering to Grief

Although Spring is definitely in the post and everyday I see signs of the end of Winter, the weight of the pandemic hit me like a ton of bricks two days ago. Approaching the birthday of my eldest daughter I realised how much I was missing things which previously I took completely for granted. A trip to London every few weeks to see the girls, staying with one of them and hopefully securing last minute tickets for a play or show. Walks in the park, coffee and cake in a cafe, a bite to eat in a local independent. How times have changed.

Our civil liberties have been impacted as never before in peacetime. Even during the second world war my father, who was in a reserved occupation, would travel up to London at the weekend. He always said Theatre and Symphony Concerts kept him going through those long dark years.

Reflecting this week on what we are currently able to do, the choices appear to be ever decreasing. I felt as though I couldn’t breathe, as though there was a huge weight on my chest and no matter what I did, the weight remained. I noticed I was sighing, breathing heavily throughout the day in an attempt to get more oxygen into my body. I was exhausted doing nothing.

Grief is a powerful emotion and in my experience connects with loss just as much as the death of a loved one. In fact the experience of loss triggers the remnants of unspent grief for parents friends and family who have died recently and long ago.

Perhaps it never ends. Perhaps its just something we learn to live with over time, adapting to life without whatever and whoever we have lost.

Until now I have not had to imagine life without seeing my grown up children, I have taken for granted those frivolous trips to London and the thrill of sitting in a packed auditorium. Life without simple pleasures is still life, but pales into insignificance without the love and joy of seeing and holding family and friends.

One day I hope to be able to get on a train and travel to London, knowing that my daughters will be waiting at the end of the line. Until then I acknowledge the sadness, I recognise the loss, I feel the weight of grief in my heart and I endeavour to let go.

Go Well – Vicki x

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